I am TWO!

Recovery from Round 2 of Chemo has been an adventure. I was expecting to be sick as a dog (I wasn't) and to have to walk around in the same chemical withdrawal fog as the first round, (I did.) What I was really not expecting was for my emotions to ramp up as much as they did.

Have you been around toddlers? There is an Instagrammer I follow, Marcy G, and her handle is "@BunAndLeggings" I love this woman! She tells it like it is. (Marcy, if you're reading this, God BLESS you!) One of my favorite posts of hers goes like this:

"My toddler was having a massive tantrum until she found a grape on the floor. She ate it, and forgot why she was crying. She was crying because she doesn't like grapes."

That's where I am at this week. I Am TWO! Absolutely ANYTHING will cause a complete breakdown, with a professional hired-mourner level of wailing. Usually it is caused by a sudden onslaught of fatigue, but anything will do, really. I don't actually need a reason. On Wednesday, it was fear of falling in the morning at work, and fatigue in the afternoon at the bank lobby. There I was, bent at the waist, hanging on the teller's desk for dear life and crying my heart out. I'm sure the poor girl went home and drank after witnessing that.

And yesterday morning, I was an absolute puddle, sobbing out of control on the daybed in my wife's office and then again at the kitchen table, because my energy level went from 90% to 40% in about 20 minutes. And all I could do was lay there and weep relentlessly while she held me. I had planned to work all morning (all day?) at my job site but canceled those plans and did something else, assuming I wouldn't be ABLE to work AT ALL yesterday... and felt good for the rest of the day and COULD have worked at my jobsite. Aaaaaaarrrrrrgh!

Yet things that SHOULD stress me out are just fine. I spent 7 hours unexpectedly at the MUSC Emergency Room Thursday evening for suspected internal bleeding (false alarm), but hardly had a hint of tears. They decided my symptoms were chemo side effects. I suppose that's good?

So I guess what God is teaching in this season is To Live In The Moment. To hold things lightly. To not hold tightly to my carefully made plans, but to just deal with stuff as it comes. Maybe I can work today, maybe not. Ask me again in ten minutes? There is a really great scripture passage in Matthew 10:17-20, when Jesus is telling his disciples not to stress over planning out ahead so much about what they should do or say.

"Be on your guard against men: they will hand you over to the local councils and flog you in their synagogues. On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."

Did you notice the lack of ambiguity in the phrase "when they arrest you"? Not IF they arrest you. WHEN they arrest you. Because this is going to happen.

In the mid 1990s, I was traveling in Azerbaijan with a group and we were visiting various cities. When one city's name was brought up during our planning session, one of the Americans who had been there a while made a knowing look and said simply,

"Take granola bars. The police will NOT feed you..."

Hahahahaha!

Because that was the deal. You were going to get to meet the Police! When you check into the hotel, you must surrender your passport and the police are notified and your passport is taken into their custody. You will not get it back until the police decide that you will be allowed to leave their city. Or perhaps required to do so...

(Also, you were NOT to be trusted with a key to your hotel room. You must ask the hall monitor/cleaning lady at the desk on your floor to open the door for you. She will fish it out of her bra, and then lock the door behind you later when you leave for the day.) This is to keep track of your comings and goings, as she is a paid informer; but also saves the HASSLE of making all those extra keys? So the verse says,

"WHEN they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."

Maybe think of this as a midterm report card? IF you love Jesus, than you WILL be placed into situations where you will be required to open your mouth. So don't stress, just spit it out. Tell it like it is. Share your story. Even (ESPECIALLY?) the hard parts?

Tell your story. Just tell it. And trust that while it might look bad, everything will be okay in the end.

God has got this. Just hold things lightly, and tell your story.