December 29, 2021. All is well. I want to share with you this morning my struggles with respiratory anxiety.
I grew up with asthma, and there were a number of specific moments when I had a massive asthma attack, usually brought on by allergies, and I was caught without my inhaler. It got bad enough that it required conscious thought and deliberate muscle action to breathe. "BREATHE IN!!!" [suck] "BREATHE OUT!!!" [blow]. Terrifying.
And then in 4th grade at summer camp, I made the decision to take a scuba lesson. There in that pool, having to use muscle to activate the regulator, it totally triggerd me and I had to get out of the pool.
I should also say that I nearly drowned as a young child, maybe age 5. I was walking along a lake shoreline in chest deep water, and stepped in a hole. I saw my father look up, yank off his ropers, and come charging in after me. He grabbed me by the hand, lifted me out of the water, and preserved my life. (Thanks Dad!) [Incidentally, when your kids are at the pool, WATCH them. Don't play with your phone. WATCH them.] My parents got me swimming lessons after that. I am a good swimmer now. I did the mile swim in Boy Scouts, and earned the Life Saving Merit Badge. But even now, I don't like being in water where I can't touch bottom, or where I must swim underwater. I can use a snorkel, but I take zero pleasure in it. The opposite in fact. And often I have to swim for work. A piling may get loose, fall off my barge, and start floating away. And then I have to swim for it. ("That thing cost me $600! Get in there!") It totally sucks, but that's the job.
So here in this hospital room, there have been many scary moments, especially in the early stages, when I would be feeling great! And something would happen and my energy reserves would be used up without warning. My blood oxygen saturation would start falling, my lungs would start hurting, it would suddenly get harder to breathe, and ALL these old memories would hit me like a fire hose. My heart rate would SPIKE. "I'm dying!!!" From all is well to sheer terror, usually in less than 30 seconds. But then I learned that if I start proning- lying flat on my stomach- and breathing SLOWLY and DELIBERATELY through my nose and oxygen tube, then I WILL get air, I WILL be able to breathe, my oxygen saturation will come back up, and my lungs will stop aching so badly. It takes about 2 minutes. That's all! And if I keep lying there and DELIBERATELY breathing slowly, my lungs will feel warm inside, and I will feel good, and be ready to get back in my chair.
"Breathe of Heaven Hold me together..."
(Thanks, Amy Grant.)
And so in talking about my panic with an old friend, she shared something amazing with me from her own life, and agreed that I could share it with you. Learning about this NORMAL physiological response was good for me. I imagine people with chronic anxiety-- not me normally-- ( SHUT UP, Amy Bland- I AM OK!!! Also, I love you! Thank you for being such an amazing friend over the years) - I imagine that people with chronic anxiety may think of themselves as weird. Not normal. Different. Like something is wrong with them. Something broken inside. And I imagine that must be really emotionally debilitating at times. But what if, what if, in SOME of these times, you are Normal? What if this is just your body warning you? Just like if you stick your hand over a candle flame. That pain? That's your body warning you to STOP DOING THAT!!! And so in this case, this spike of anxiety is just my body prompting me to get more oxygen. Don't be alarmed. Nothing to fear here...
And so my friends, thanks for listening. Maybe somebody needs to hear this today.
You're not strange. You're not weird. You're normal, at least in this aspect. And that's ok. Whatever you are struggling with, God has GOT this. And God is a VERY good listener. So talk with Him about it. Write Him a letter maybe. And message me too if this helps you. I would love to hear back from you.
Comments