I slept well last night- 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep! Some of my young mom friends would almost kill for that, but I still woke up exhausted. I tottered downstairs to my recliner to read my Bible and to journal. About halfway through my first cup of coffee, I told myself that I was SO tired that I needed to take a nap in order to have enough energy to get up! Instead, I opened my Bible at random and my thumb was on 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. Paul writes:
"To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me..."
This quote is from the New International Version. The King James version phrases it "a messenger of Satan to buffet me." This word Buffet is more evocative for me. I think of a sailing ship's captain, fighting the great wheel while the the ship rolls and the wind drives sheets of sleet in his face. Or perhaps a boxer in the ring with Mike Tyson, who tries desperately to protect his face while Mike remorselessly pounds him in the abdomen like the pistons of a great diesel engine. Anyone here feel buffeted lately? Allow me to continue the passage, from The Message Bible:
"... I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
'My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own
in your weakness.'
"Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size-- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
Honestly, I don't like where my body is right now. I am walking better than earlier this week, and EVERYTHING doesn't hurt like it did last weekend, but three weeks ago I felt absolutely normal. I could run and lift and climb. Today, walking feels like a realistic achievement, but that's about it. My bone marrow biopsy found no evidence of cancer, so why am I so tired? Requiring nine hours at night and a two hour nap each day? It is hard for me emotionally to accept these limitations, but here we are, and here is this verse, weighing on me.
"Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness."
Some time ago, God showed me myself in a hospital room. I was sitting up in bed, and had a meal tray in front of me. A nurse was hand-feeding me lunch, because I was too weak to eat on my own. The meal was dinosaur chicken nuggets. Ha ha! I believe God was showing me that a period of weakness was coming, and that the dinosaur chicken nuggets signified a childlike dependence. I don't LIKE dependence. I'm a red-blooded American! INDEPENDENCE, baby! But no. Paul writes,
"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Please pray for me friends, that I will gladly embrace all that God has for me in this current season of weakness.
Thanks Dylan. I always smile when I see Culver City on my notifications.
Beautiful Pete. You are walking a singular journey, but you are not walking alone. You are reaching out your hands to God and to us. Thank you for sharing your heart and flesh and spirit with us.